Ever had that feeling where you can stop thinking about someone to the point of madness at not seeing them even though you hardly really know them?
I think I’m in love with a fantasy.
I never knew liking someone could make you so dumb and overly hopeful that any compliment and kind words could make you think it’s a hint that someone likes you back. I guess this is what happens when you’re so overly starved for affection that you become so absorbed in someone else just for being a gentleman to you.
And yet, this entire post will still be centered on him.
Being someone who has never been on a real date in her life, I have no fear in admitting this because frankly I don’t mind admitting that most of the guys I’ve come across in the 20 years I’ve existed has made me feel anything genuine. And yet, somehow I can imagine a future with someone who is looking for the same thing I’m looking for. To find someone who is understanding and accepting of someone, flaws and all. Who will love you unconditionally.
Can I just say how I feel dumb writing this?
I say this because I’ve only hung out with him a few times, mainly playing video games and having Nerf gun battles like the nerdiest twenty year olds in the world. He implied that we would hang out more after getting this new video to play with me, so I don’t know what to think of that. He was nice enough to show me how to check the oil in my car as well as how to change a tire, despite one of our group members being with us. He got frustrated when I admitted I’d never seen the Star Wars movies (nobody give me hate please lol) and it was adorable. He once called me cute, however he was referencing the entire group of girls we worked on a project together with when he said it. He let me borrow his sunglasses when I couldn’t find mine driving him to his apartment one day. I smile like an idiot just thinking about it. And still, I hardly know him. He hardly knows me.
This is so dumb. This is so DUMB.
But honestly, I think I feel a little better admitting this to the general public than to myself. I still feel terrified about it. I still feel hesitant at the idea of hanging out with him over the summer in case I accidentally let these feelings grow stronger. Knowing that he has a type, I can already imagine the rejection and the pain it would bring me. And besides, I can’t see anybody loving me that way. I am too flawed, too controlling, too manipulative to let anyone like him like me much less care for me.
If I go into further depth, we may be here all night.
Love is stupid.